As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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