If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
