I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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