then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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