i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
