mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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