Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
