my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize