Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
