Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
