if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
