just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
