don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
