NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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