I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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