I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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