if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
