i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
