apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
