I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
