I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize