I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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