Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I love having hate sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
