I hate all girls vehemently.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we're so committed to being not committed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
