My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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