Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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