I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
