I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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