I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
