Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
