Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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