You really coming over, don't trick.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
