Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
