just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
