so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Floor bacon is actually really good
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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