you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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