i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
