Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
