Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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