Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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