Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
