I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
