I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
