i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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