I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
