You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
