Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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