last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
