Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize