The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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