i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
