dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
