broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
