i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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