I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
