I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
