let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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