I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
