I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
