Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
