Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
