I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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