Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize