So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
