I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
