Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
